THAT WAS MY MOMENT

Nursing was on my list of things I'd never do.

Oh, here's a warning...if boobs as a food source gross you out, don't keep reading....oh, and grow up. If you are a breastfeeding enthusiast, please excuse my ignorance.

Anyway, I thought nursing was disgusting. I didn't even like the thought of it or (here's where I would like to slap my former self) the thought of a breast-fed baby spitting up boob juice on me. Seriously, who thinks like that? I did. I saw the breast as an accessory, something to fill pretty lingerie and make a dress sexy. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I was dead set against it. It grossed me out. I just knew it would hurt. My breasts would sag after. I would be the only one that could feed them. Anthony wouldn't be able to help me. NO WAY was I going to do that to myself.
Now, the first question everyone (mainly my generation and the older generation) asked after they found out I was expecting, "Are you going to breastfeed?"....followed by "just give it a try" or "just let the baby get the colostrum". I remember thinking, why in the hell does everyone care how I feed MY baby??

When I started showing and it felt real, I started making a compromise with myself. Maybe I should pump? If my body is going to make it, I may as well use it. I won't have to actually have a baby on my boob. This could work. Telling people that, made them chuckle and add their opinions.... Do you realize how much of a time commitment that is? You're going to pump, then give a bottle, then have to pump again. You need a professional pump. You'll get clogged ducts...mastitis..infections...deformed nipples! Haha, yes, someone really did say the last one. ((shout out to all my EP mamas, y'all rock!!!))

I'm glad there was persistence from some people (you know who you are) because about halfway through my pregnancy, I started to come around. But, I was so negative with my thought process, at first, that I'm surprised I didn't drive everyone crazy. Maybe I'll just try it...if it hurts, I'm stopping right away. If she doesn't latch, I'm stopping right away. If it does go alright, I will NOT nurse past 3 months...I'm going to pump after that. I would also tell Anthony and my Mom (and anyone that had nursed and would talk to me really) my fears and have them reassure me everyday that I CAN do it.

You know how people have that beautiful story of the birth and then the doctor places the baby in your arms and you are instantly in love? C-section mamas don't get that moment. So, my moment was when the nurse placed her in my arms, I looked her over and then she helped me get her to latch on. THAT WAS MY MOMENT. Thank god my husband snapped a picture, that I tear up every time I see it, because the look of pure amazement that I am feeding, nurturing and comforting my daughter is all over my face. It is an indescribable feeling to be nursing your baby. There is a bond that is formed instantly.
I had one of those rare experiences though because it came so easily. The first couple days were rocky, but that was my own nervousness. My fear was that she would just forget how to latch and then she would be starving! So, I asked my Mom and Me-mom to stay an extra day to help me. I also had Anthony run out and rent a professional pump (just in case), those nipple shields (just in case), a years supply of lanolin cream. And I didn't need any of those. Yeah, ridiculous. But, it makes me appreciate having a wonderful husband and family.

And here I am, 13 months later, sad that Wednesday night was our last nursing session. 

It was such an amazing feeling to have her look up at me while nursing, many times a day at first, with those big, beautiful eyes. I will hold onto every single one of those moments in my heart because that was something only I could do for her, it was our special time together.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice, encouragement and support. And for making me see the sentimental importance of nursing. 

Ok...I'm ready for another squishy little infant now.